Ephesians 5:33. We're in the last part of this series on family and the title of this message is called, "Marriage Builders". I believe that just as the enemy would fight hard against families, I believe the church needs to push back just as hard. I want to encourage you if you're married or about to be married, these principles that we'll look at today will still work in relationships. We are called to minister in the lives of others.
Ephesians 5:33 says, "Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband".
Father, this morning we thank you for your presence in this church. God, it is a marvelous thing to serve you. Lord, today as we have been in this study we ask that your word would powerfully affect our lives. God, what we would see you do in the lives of our families would be nothing short of a miracle. May we decrease and may you increase, Amen.
With all the joking aside, how many know that marriage is a wonderful thing? Without a doubt it's from God. Just as a house, a marriage is built brick by brick and layer by layer and it must be done with absolute care and craftsmanship. It is amazing to me that we spend so much time planning the actual building we'll live in than we take time to build the family that's going to live in that structure. It's important we do it and take as much care with it. Marriage is hard work but many people don't always work at it.
The builders we're going to look at today I believe can help save a marriage, help grow a marriage, and can help make that marriage sweeter. I don't care if you've been married for 1 week or 20 years or are about to get married, I believe that we can all learn to work on that thing that's been put together by God. Of course we know that we need to put Christ first as the essential and choose love as that foundation.
All these blocks that we're going to look at start with the three core C's of marriage: caring, commitment and communication. Caring is that tenderness and that respect we give to each other that shows we appreciate one another and are glad that we're with each other. How many know every relationship needs that? friendship, marriage and our relationship with our kids. It also takes commitment. That is not just saying yes to each other, that I'll just be with you and you alone, but the commitment to work at it and to love and cherish one another from the moment you say "I do" to the moment that Jesus comes or you pass into eternity. It is that communication where you purposely talk and more importantly listen to each other. Communication is more than just words, you can say more with your body language than you can say with your mouth. How many have ever seen the rolling of the eyes just once? My wife and I were laughing the other day because we saw this daffy duck cartoon and he said, "If you look at me that way again I'll slap your face right off your head" and it was funny because he actually did it. Sometimes all it takes is that little bit of body language that says you want to do that.
The first building block of a lasting and growing marriage is to start by asking this question, the most important question you could ask yourself, "How can I be a better spouse?" It is not, "How can I have a better marriage?" it is "How can I be a better spouse?" A better marriage focuses on what is good for you but asking to be a better spouse is focusing on what is good for them.
Psalms 139:23-24 is a familiar part of scripture that we often apply to our relationship with God and we should, but we should apply it to every part of our life. It says, "Search me O God and know my heart, try me and know my anxieties and see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting". Whether a marriage is rock solid or going through difficulties, I believe this is one of the greatest prayers we could ever pray, "Lord, examine my heart". It's human nature to focus on how the other person can improve instead of how we can improve. The prayer says "Search me, try me, know me, lead me", not "Lord, search my spouse, show them what they're doing wrong, speak to their heart and try them so they know what's going on". How many know our prayers sound a whole lot like that many times instead of "Try me, search me, and work in me". Lord, how can I be a blessing? How can I be more attentive? How can I be more tender? How can I be more caring? The truth is that we reap what we sow. The best way to have a spouse you enjoy is to be a spouse they would enjoy, someone they would want to be around.
The 2nd building block that could never be underestimated is communication. There's a slogan that one of the national news stations use all the time, "We stay in touch so you'll be in touch". I think that should be the slogan of a lot of marriages. One of the chief complaints in most marriages is that spouses don't feel close. "I just don't feel like I know them anymore, I don't feel like we fit together anymore, I don't feel like they understand me". Couples that before the wedding would spend hours on the phone talking to each other just about nothing at all and only to hear the other person breathe. Those that would go out and enjoy having a cup of coffee and sharing every detail of life now neglect to say hello or goodbye to each other even on the way in or out the door. According to "New man magazine", the typical American married couple only spends an average of 4 minutes a day in meaningful conversation. That is less than 1% of their waking hours. That's amazing to me. Verbal communication is more important than physical intimacy. Couples that spend time communicating always rate their marriage and their physical life physically satisfying. In the book, "Fireproofing your marriage" quotes the statistic that with Christian couples who spend time together spiritually, only one in four hundred will divorce. I think that is a marvelous statistic compared to the statistic that we have today that one out of every three will end in divorce.
Everything, plants and animals, people, churches, and marriages need nutrients to survive. When a couple communicates they are feeding their marriage. It's a wonderful thing when you're not just talking about what needs to be done or where you want to go, what the kids need to do and what needs to happen on the job but to just spend time talking. Communication is what brings togetherness.
1st Peter 3:7 says to the men, "Husbands, likewise dwell with them (your wives) with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers may not be hindered". That word, "to dwell" means to live with and it literally calls for a togetherness or a deep down companionship. I want you men to notice this, that the initiation of togetherness starts with the husband. Men, we are to encourage and to initiate that process of communication. Before we initiate sexual intimacy we should be communicating with our spouses. We are to live, the Bible says, with understanding. It's interesting how the jokes go around that you can never understand a woman. I believe that's a lie. I believe we are to dwell with them with understanding. That simply means this, knowing your wife. Men, the success of dwelling with our wives is in direct proportion of our knowledge of her. Knowing our wives means that we know her deep cares and her fears. We know her disappointments and her expectations, her thoughts and her dreams and we care about it. Knowing our wives calls for a sensitive spirit and a willingness to listen, to actually care and share our day and our dreams. The truth is if we will do this we will heal hurts and we will calm storms. Listen, husbands, we would have less storms in our relationship if we would simply communicate with our wives. By doing that we will also touch her heart. We did everything we could before marriage to touch her heart then and we need to continue to do that everyday.
Mark Lowry in one of his comic routines used to talk about how interesting it is that we want to touch the heart, how the heart is the seed of the affection. Do you realize that in some cultures it's the kidneys that is the seed of the affection? We always sing about the heart, "I love you with all my heart" but in some cultures it's better to say, "I love you with all my kidneys". In some cultures that actually refers to the intestines. That brings a whole new meaning to the saying, "Baby, you move me". We are to love each other with all our heart and care for them. The truth is, what kind of movement are you looking for in your marriage? Something that draws you together or something that draws you away?
For the woman I want to talk to you about a couple verses in 1st Peter 3:1-6. It says, "Wives, likewise be submissive to your own husbands that if even some do not obey the word that without a word may be won by the conduct of their wives when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward, arranging the hair, wearing gold or putting on fine apparel." The truth is that outward beauty fades over time for both men and women. Let's be honest, if you've been married for 20 or 30 years, you don't look like you used to look when you first got married. I've lost a lot of hair, I've put on a little bit of weight but that's ok. The beauty that's inward never fades.
Godly behavior of a wife and respect for her husband will win him over without words the Bible says. I have seen more women that have given their life to Jesus and have husbands that are absolute dirty dogs. I have watched as these ladies have trusted God with all their heart and loved them and pretty soon without words, without nagging, but with just a loving attitude they began to change their man and they came to Jesus. God has never called the woman to be a doormat. As a matter of fact, the woman that we look at here in these verses speaks of a woman with strong character and self control and an elegance and a dignity that is able to touch anyone who sees her. That word, "Obey" in the Greek speaks of this, paying close attention to someone. Ladies, I want to say to you, desire is all about attitude, it is not about what you see in your husband in the sense of whether they look good, it's about your attitude towards them. Many wives become more concerned about responding to the needs of others outside the home or to their children and stop paying attention to their husband. The Bible says to pay attention to your husband just as you want your husband to pay attention to you. It's all about attitude, where are you putting your priority? That attitude of respect and care for your husband can melt even the most ornery guy. I want to tell you ladies, if you've got a husband who isn't where you want him to be, change your attitude just a little bit. If you've gotten cold, if you've gotten hard, just allow the Lord to soften your heart. The truth is you're not going to love him for who he is, you're going to love him for who Jesus sees him as and who you believe he can be. How many know that will make all the difference in the world?
The third marriage builder is this, never let little things become big things. Song of Solomon 2:15 says, "Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vine, for our vines have tender grapes". It's the little things that can spoil the tender areas of life and it only takes little things to come in and destroy something great. Someone said that a slow leak, not a blow out, is the cause of most marriage failures, just a little bit of air coming out, a little bit at a time. One of the little foxes that you can find in your marriages is that of disrespect. A little fox isn't leaving the cap off the toothpaste or forgetting to flush the toilet or leaving your socks on the floor. Little foxes are those things you used to do on a regular basis that you neglect to do now everyday. If we are disrespectful to our friends or employers like many are to their spouses we would be lonely and without a job. Treat your wife or treat your husband with the greatest respect that you could give.
Another fox is inconsideration, like not calling to see how your spouse is doing during the day, forgetting a birthday or an anniversary, just believing that it's not a big deal. Forgetting to open the door every once in awhile or just taking time to remember that they are just as precious to you today as they were before. Being inconsiderate leads to being ungrateful. I am amazed how much my wife appreciates it when I make her coffee. It's just a little thing. As a matter of fact, one morning I got up and went to the kitchen only half awake, got out my cereal, went out and got my paper, sat down and started eating and reading the paper. My wife didn't smell coffee and all of a sudden she comes out and says, "What did I do wrong?" I forgot and then I realized how much that really means to her. It's just the little things that show that we love them.
The truth is you are in big trouble when molehills in the marriage become mountains, when after everything you do nothing is right, when the simplest words that really aren't meant to mean anything start to mean something. Those times that you completely overlook become a big deal because everything is an issue. Inconsideration leads to criticism and complaining and wrong attitudes when we start pointing out every flaw and mistake instead of seeing the huge blessing that our spouse really is.
Another fox is how a couple handles their finances. When one spouse has all the toys and the other gets the leftovers there are some problems or if you're getting into debt all the time and constantly bailing the other out. A little bit on the credit card here and there and all of a sudden you've got this big debt and both of you are looking at each other and wanting to blame one another and you both put yourself there. Don't allow the little foxes to come in.
The last key brick in building a great marriage is to be willing to forgive. One of the greatest scriptures I think in the whole Bible is this, "Love keeps no record of wrongs". Luke 17:3 says, "Take heed to yourselves, if your brother sins against you rebuke him, and if he repents forgive him". I want you to see that you can rebuke someone when they sin against you. In a marriage if you have something going on it's ok to let the other person know you're not happy about it and that's important. I want to challenge you, never ever walk around with that secret, "You made me mad but I'm not going to let you know what it was. You should just know". Really? How do I know unless you tell me? If you'll tell me then I can do something about it. The Bible says if they repent forgive them. Forgive and you will be forgiven. It is a beautiful thing.
The truth is that in the life of your marriage you're going to do things to each other that need to be forgiven. Marriage is not mistake free but forgiveness is. You will never make the mistake to forgive the other person. You say, "Well if I let go of this then they're just going to do it again". That's not the issue whether they do it again or not, the issue is whether you've forgiven them or not, whether you've released them from that fault, whether you've set them free". Now you're not setting them free to do it again because you can always go back and rebuke them but if they ask for forgiveness you have to forgive them. I want to tell you that if you've been forgiven don't go doing the same thing all over again. The truth is if we'll use these bricks to build we'll not only have a great marriage but we can have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. The enemy has tried to bring in a wrecking ball to destroy too many homes but if we will do those things to keep building then when those bricks seem to get a little broken, no matter what layer the enemy tries to get through you're always putting another brick in place. Everyday building your spouse, everyday loving them, everyday pouring into them and what you do in front of your husband or wife will build your children and prepare them for their home. How many know the marriage isn't just about you two? It affects everybody around. In the church we affect each other. By building us up we're building others up around us as we show them how to have a marriage that will make it.
