Turn with me in your Bibles to 1st Thessalonians 3:12. I want to speak a message today entitled "Marriage Secrets", the secret to having a great marriage. When I told this to a couple this morning they looked at me and said, "There's just two words, "Yes Dear". Praise the Lord.
1st Thessalonians 3:12, "May the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and all just as we do to you". You loved each other when you came together and created your family and God wants you to abound in love as long as you have the family until the day you pass on.
Let's bow our heads and invite the Lord in to this time, "Father, we thank you for your word. Jesus, we thank you for the privilege of being part of a family. We've seen today the blessing of the children and the wonderful work that praying mom's and godly women make in the life of this church. Father, today I pray that marriages would be strengthened and that our hearts would be renewed in great love to each other. May we decrease and you increase, amen".
I found a tongue in-cheek poem that was in the newspaper. It's amazing how when we all get married, we grow and we learn. Many of us start out wanting to be Cinderella and Prince Charming and we believe that marriage is going to be one fairytale day after the other. The truth is God does want you to have a fairytale marriage and he does want it to be good every single day but how many of you have realized some different things about your spouse? This is what a lady discovered in this poem: "He didn't like my casserole, he didn't like my cake; My biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make; I didn't perk the coffee right, he didn't like the stew; I didn't mend his socks the way his mother used to do; I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue, then I turned around and smacked him like his mother used to do".
Family is God's idea, it's his intent. It hasn't changed, it's his purpose and his will. According to the insurance industry, married people have a longer life capacity than those who are not married. In psychological surveys, those who are married are overwhelmingly more happy than those who have never married at all. Marriage is vital, it's vital for our emotional stability and it's also vital for the development of our children. Studies have proven time and time again how the family is really perfect. Science has tried to put this together and figure it out, even those who have tried to disprove that people really don't need a family to be completely whole. Those who have set out to disprove that have found just the opposite to be true, that family is very important.
Some of us come from really good families and some of us come from difficult families. Some of us are in different blended type families. Some have been married to the same person for a long time, others have been married more than once. What do you do with what God's word says about family? You bloom where you're planted and you do God's will right where you are right now.
Family is important and I now that in this place today there are blended families. As we speak, In America there are different things going on but I want to encourage you, his word will work no matter what situation we are in. Good, loving and successful families are not an accident. A good family doesn't just happen. It's interesting, there are lots of things going on in the world today where people are working very hard to put their families back together. As a matter of fact they even have shows on tv like "Nanny 911" on how to have a good family. How many of you have wanted to jump in there and help them out?
Good families are not an accident, they're intentional. Proverbs 12:7 says "The wicked are overthrown and are no more but the house of the righteous will stand". If you are living in the righteousness of God, in the word of God and as a person of God then God will help your house to stand and be whole. It's a promise of his word. Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house but the foolish pulls it down with her own hands". I am so thankful this morning that as we look around this church we see wise women who have poured into the lives of their children, who have blessed their husbands, who have touched their homes and are doing a great thing as they are seeing their homes stand for Jesus. How many know that is not an accident?
A good home and a great marriage doesn't just happen by accident. A good marriage is purposely designed. Just like a physical building must have an architect and a plan of how it should look, the same is true for a family. The only people who believe that life just happens by accident are those who believe in evolution. They believe that something just happened out of nothing and it just created itself. How many know that evolutionists don't have a scientific leg to stand on. When you look at creation you can obviously see that there was a definite design and intent behind all that was created. What is so amazing to me is that in the midst of creation, God designed the family and he put families together. Family was designed and created by God.
Today I want us to look at several secrets that I believe help us to have a good marriage. Whether you have been married for just a year, whether you are going to be married or whether you are just starting out in your golden years of relationship together, I want to share some secrets with you that I believe will really help your life and your home to be created with the perfect design. Teenagers, I want you to listen to me, some of you are planning on having a family when you get older and out of High School. Young men, If you will understand what it means to be a man of God now then when you become adults you will be men of God then. We're going to pray for our kids and speak this word into their hearts.
Some of you have talked about the great secrets that you have so I've looked into the word of God and I've also looked at what men and women who have been married for 50 years or more have said. These are things that have been so vital to the success of their family. Secret #1 is the secret of effective communication. There's the story of a young couple who just wanted to have a quiet wedding so they decided instead of holding the ceremony in the church, they really didn't want a whole lot of people there, and since God is all about family they asked the Pastor and his wife "Could we hold our wedding ceremony in your house? We're just going to have a few of our closest people together". As they came into that house, the pastor's wife had made sure that the home was spotless and everything was set just right. Just as the pastor was looking at the bride and he was saying, "Do you take this man to be your wedded husband in sickness and in health until death do you part?" At the stroke of 7:00 the one thing the pastor's wife forgot to do was turn off the cuckoo clock. Just as the bride was about to say "I do" the clock began to say "cuckoo, cuckoo". That was not a good start for the marriage, bad communication, bad timing.
There's probably no sadder thing than to see a husband and wife out to dinner looking across the table and really having nothing to say to each other. The truth is we can learn to communicate and to speak to each other lovingly and clearly our intentions and our dreams. Being married is one of the greatest things in the world but it's important many times that we turn off the television, that we put down the newspaper, that we learn to talk to each other and to encourage each other. Husbands and wives that will talk and not only do it when the doors are closed but even talk in front of their kids, will have kids that know how to communicate well. Many arguments come from not understanding the other's expectations on any range of subjects. Conversation is important because we're talking about building a house, building a home. We need to understand that words can build up or words can tear down. In Proverbs 12:18 it says "There is one who speaks like the piercing of a sword but the tongue of the wise promotes health".
I want to speak to us today, to every family whether you are a husband or a wife or a child, it's important that we understand the power of communication. Some people when they talk it's like they're just running someone through. Others when they talk, they have this marvelous way of building life. I want us to remember that our spouse is supposed to be our best friend. It's amazing that the same people that would spend hours on the phone talking to each other before the wedding are the same people that really find it difficult to speak nice things to each other across the dinner table after they've been married 5 years.
Listen to me, communication is as simple as just paying attention. More than anything else in the world, paying attention says "I love you". Mom and Dad, communicating with your children says "I love you". I want to tell you as a father, probably one of the things that I've been challenged with the most in my family is that I must focus my attention on you or I don't hear you. If I'm in the middle of something and you want to talk to me then I must stop what I'm doing and pay attention. If I don't then the communication just doesn't go through and I've had to learn through many trials and errors and many failures.
It's so important and just as simple as stopping and looking at my kids and saying what you're saying to me right now means alot to me. "How was your day at school? Then not turning around to start something else but actually listening to what they have to say. I can ask my wife, "How was your day at work?" Even though we work just offices apart there are times where there is so much going on that we really don't have time to share with each other. It's so very important that I stop and listen.
Just pay attention. Someone once said that love is more about listening than about talking and that's so true. I want to remind us this morning that true conversation is both talking and listening. All family members should learn to listen and to master this concept. Kids, I want to tell you right now, I promise that your Mom and Dad will yell alot less if when they begin to speak to you, you stop what you're doing and give them your undivided attention. Husband and wife, if you will just stop and listen. Many times we go and do things because we didn't stop to hear what the other was saying and if we would just listen it would make all the difference. Each person in the home should be able and willing to share how they feel, knowing that they're safe and that each one will work for the best of what's going on in that situation.
I want to tell you, that no matter how long you have been together, no matter how well you finish each other's sentences, no one is ever able to read your mind. So many times people say, "Well, they should just know what I'm thinking. They should know how I feel. We've been together for a long time". People think, "We've been married for 20 years, they should know what I'm thinking". One wife broke to her husband in the middle of some things that we were dealing with in counseling and she said this, "I can't even understand you when you're talking to me let alone read your mind". How many have ever found that to be true?
How many have found that most things in a marriage that happen are not major? But many of them are just a series of little things that build up over time because they weren't dealt with in conversation. Those little things can build up like little pebbles in a dam, one little thing at a time until pretty soon everything begins to back up. We would do so well if just as these things come along we would talk about them. I want to encourage you, family, don't let things build up. Husband and wife, if things are going on, learn to talk to each other. Husband, if you are the strong silent type who doesn't say much then I want to encourage you to learn to talk just a little more. How many know your spouse is worth it? Wife, if you're the one who talks just a little too much and you know your husband is saying, "Please, just give me a moment to hear what you're saying". Lady, learn to be quiet just a little bit and let your husband hear what you have to say but do it right.
Ephesians 4:15 tells us how we are to communicate, "Speak the truth in love". Family, I have found this to be true when I have counseled with couples in my office and with familes who are dealing with their children, they need to speak the truth in love. I want you to hear this, that the more truth you speak, the more love you should use. We should make sure that love is equal to the truth. People say, "Well I just have to tell you and it's the truth". Well. It may be true but how we communicate must be done in love. Mom and Dad, your child may be annoying you that day like never before but let me encourage you. How many of you parents have ever had your children annoy you just a little bit? How many of you have perfect children? My son just raised his hand. "Son, I want to tell you, I know that's not true. I love you, my boy, but let me speak the truth in love".
We need to make sure that our love is equal to the truth. The Bible says to be kind to one another, tenderhearted. When things are going on, make sure that your heart is really towards each other. The secret to a good marriage is that things don't happen by accident. So before you say it, make sure that it's clothed in the tenderness and love of God. When communicating, refuse to lose your temper. The truth is this, anger is always cruel, always harsh. Remember this, your spouse is your friend. Your children, as they grow up, you want to continue to have a glorious relationship with them as they become men and women. So speak in love and not in anger.
I want to encourage you to do this as a family, communicate the words "I love you" often. Mom and Dad, tell your kids that you love them. There are times when I drop my boys off at school and as they're about to close the door and are next to their friends, I yell out, "Guys, I love you". Sometimes they get a little embarrassed but even though they may be embarrassed in front of their friends and their face may turn a little flushed, but all day long somebody is in their corner and they know it. It's so important that you do it.
Husband, tell your wife that you love her often. Wife, tell your husband that you love him often. It's amazing how often we will tell each other "I love you" before we get married and then somehow after we get married we don't understand it. There was a man who was a brain surgeon and he would provide his wife everything she ever wanted. One day he turned around to find out that his wife had left him. He was a multi millionaire. She had everything she wanted but one day she left him and ran off with a sailor in the navy. He had absolutely no money, he had nothing to his name and her husband couldn't understand so he went to his pastor and asked, "Why would she leave me? I've given her everything. When she said she wasn't happy and didn't like the house, I bought her a bigger house. When she said she wanted a pool I put a pool in the backyard. When she wasn't happy with the car she had I got her another one. Why would she leave me and run off with a guy who has nothing"? The pastor looked across at that man who was brilliant in academics and at his job and said, "Sir, you are one of the smartest men that I have met when it comes to your profession but you are the one of the dumbest men that I've ever met when it comes to having a marriage. For 10 years that you've been married, you've never told your wife that you love her once". He said, "Why should I have to tell her that I love her? I gave her everything that she ever wanted". The pastor looked at that man and said, "No sir, you didn't. You gave her everything but what she needed and that's why she ran off".
The secret to a long marriage, the secret to a good life, the secret to a family that sticks together is not only just saying "I love you" but showing it time and time again. The second secret to a great marriage is the secret of commitment. I want to say this, marriage without commitment is useless. That's the whole purpose of marriage. Marriage says this, "I love you and I care about you so much that I will leave everybody else and will stay with you". That commitment to the marriage not only happens between a husband and a wife but it also goes to the children. It says this, "I will give my whole life for you and to you. I am committed to this family and to making sure that it's provided for". It's the whole point of what marriage is about. Marriage is not just a legal contract but it is a physical, emotional and spiritual commitment to each other.
In Genesis 2:24 it says, "Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh". Have you ever noticed that people who have been married for many years, even though they come from different backgrounds and maybe have different skin colors, they still begin to look a lot like each other? It's a marvelous thing.
There is safety of being devoted to each other through thick and thin, through good and bad. In just a couple months I'll be married for 19 years and I can't imagine having gone through the things that I've gone through without my wife by my side. I'm so thankful for that. I've talked to people who have been married for 50-60 years and asked them, "What is one of your secrets?" They would say, "We were so committed to each other that no matter what happened we were going to hold on to each other. Whether things were great we would make sure we were close and whether things were bad we would make sure we were close. Kids would ask, "Why do you still come home to mom and dad"? Because they were committed to me. They were there for me when I went to Ball games, they were there for me when I fell down, they were there for me when I broke up with my first girlfriend, they were there for me when I went through the things that were hard. Family that is committed to each other will stay together.
Qualities that we cherish most in a friend is the quality that we cherish most in family. The assurance that the family won't bail when the road gets rough, the assurance that they will be there for each other. Those that have seen the imperfections and the scars will never diminish our level of commitment but only increase it. Listen, after we put God first, the secret to a successful family is to be committed to the Lord. I love that statement, "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord". God is first, not work, not sports. Even in a marriage, husband and wife, your children don't come before each other. You put your spouse first and your marriage will still be there. When your kids are grown and having children of their own, your marriage will still be there. When each of you retire, you'll still be there.
How do you spell committment in a family? Time. Time is so very important. Ephesians 5:16 says, "Redeeming the time because the days are evil". I want to speak to you, how do you spell commitment to a family? Time. It takes time to build a house. When we were living at ?Real Life Childrens Ranch' we learned first hand what it was like to build a home. There were just a couple of us doing it, we didn't bring a crew in and it took time to build that foundation. Even before the cement was laid there were a lot of things that went into it underneath and then after that slab was laid there was a lot that went in to building the framework. After the framework was built, there was a lot that went into putting the roof on so things wouldn't get wet and after that little by little, a bit at a time, it took something to build that house. It's the same with a family.
I want to give you secret #3 to having a great marriage and a good home is to learn to be a giver. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 proposition and I want to tell you, if you go into marriage thinking that it's 50/50 you are going to be sorely disappointed and are already starting out on the losing end. Marriage is a 100/100% proposition. I want to speak to you children in this room today, not only is being married a 100% proposition but being a child in that home is a 100% propostion. Listen, you are a part of that family, give 100% to it, don't just take, learn to be a giver. Mom and Dad, learn to teach your kids to be a giver in that family. I'm not just saying to learn to be a giver in money, I'm talking about learning to be a giver in the home.
There will be seasons when the scales will be tipped in a relationship but there should never be a time when the scales are permanently lopsided. Luke 6:38 we often apply to giving and tithing and I think it's a good application but it also says this, "Give and it shall be given to you, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use it will be measured back to you". Child, you want your Mom and Dad to give into your life but there comes a time whether you're in the home or out of the home, where you also give back into that relationship. Husband and wife, give and it shall be given back to you. I have yet to see the husband that will pour into his wife to see the wife with a jaded look in her eye. She will look at you with all the loving affection that you've so desired. Wife, if you will love your husband, then I promise you, just the way when you were dating and that man used to put his chest out and walk through the mall and say "Yeah, She's mine". If you want to have that in a marriage, you keep blessing him and keep pouring into him. If both are giving then neither will be depleted.
Giving is simply this, selflessness. Selfishness is the quickest ruin of marriages and of families. Children, If you will be selfish then you will start to cause problems in your home. Child, if you will pour into the life of your Mom and Dad just like they've poured into you, you will start to see marvelous things begin to happen in your life. Someone said that selflessness, giving, is the clutch that helps the gears of a marriage not grind together. How many know different things are shifting and moving in life? When two people are together there will be friction. How many have found that to be true? The truth is this, if you will be a giver, if you will be selfless, then when friction begins to happen between a husband and wife or between kids and Mom and Dad and they begin to be selfless instead of selfish, it's like hitting that clutch and although there might be friction as your shifting gears it will sure make things fall right into place.
Learn to be a giver. If couples would simply realize that they are really entering the relationship not for what they can receive but what they have to give then marvelous things would begin to take place in homes.
Phillipians 2:3-4 says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others". Husband, that may mean that after dinner has been really good and you've had a long day, that you don't push back from the table and go sit back in the easy chair. It may mean that you step up to the sink and say, "Sweetheart, I'll wash, you dry" or whatever she thinks is better, you do what she says.
I want to give you just 2 more secrets. This is a really good one, honesty and openness. The secret of a happy marriage is that there are no secrets. People say, "Well, I have a right". Sometimes my kids say, "I have a right to keep some things from you". I look at my kids and say, "You have no rights to have any secrets". How many know they're still kids? How they get in trouble is when they're keeping all kinds of secrets. Families need to be honest and they need to be open.
Provers 12:22 says, "Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord but those who deal truthfully are his delight". Listen, if you want to have a delightful family, be honest. Honesty is one of the top emotional needs in a marriage or in any relationship. Honesty is the key to building trust. There is nothing that will erode a family faster than dishonesty. There is nothing that will ruin a marriage faster than keeping secrets. Honesty is crucial to any relationship because that's how we come to understand each other and to know each other. We need to be open and know that we can share our feelings, share our history, share our activities, our plans, our goals and our dreams. How many know that if we would be open with each other we will not be disappointed with each other?
One counselor developed a policy, he calls it "radical honesty". It says reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know, about your thoughts, about your feelings, about your habits, about your likes and dislikes, about your personal history, about your daily activities and about your plans for the future. Have radical honesty with each other.
One of the things that I was able to get as soon as I could was a cell phone.
I want to tell you why, not so everybody else could get a hold of me but so my wife can get a hold of me at any time she ever wanted. I have found that one of the ways that I make my marriage a whole lot easier is that I let my wife know what I'm going to do for the day. I found that I'm a whole lot happier when she lets me know what she's doing for the day. How many know it helps the life to come together? Husband and wife, I want to tell you, you are not called to live separate lives. When you come together, you are living the same life together, involved in every aspect.
Know where your kids are. Know their plans, radical honesty of what you're doing and where you are. Husband and wife, it would be better now that your spouse knows about your past history than they find out about it somehow at your 10, 20 or 30 year school reunion. No secrets, it would be better that they know. When you're struggling, let your spouse know. Sometimes you're cranky and they don't understand why. Let them know why even if it's them. It will help the family understand what's going on, you have a place to start. Remember, they can't read your mind. Maybe they did something to you that morning and you didn't realize it and you come home and you're all out of sorts. It's been a bad day because they didn't butter your toast right or they didn't kiss you good morning and it just set your day off. It is better to know why, it helps to be together. I want to say this, honesty is always the best policy. The secret to a good marriage is that there are no secrets.
The last secret that keeps things perfect is love. Colossians 3:14 says, "But above all these things, put on love which is the bond of perfection". The truth is this, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage but love keeps a family perfectly bonded. You don't have a perfect family, I don't have a perfect family. Some of you are more like the "Addams family", than the perfect family. Listen, I can say that because I know it's true. You can look at everyone else and think they've got the perfect family but until you get involved and once you get involved you will find out there are no perfect families but what keeps families perfectly bonded is love. Why do people make it 50 or 60 years in marriage? Because they were perfect? No way, but because they loved each other. The Bible says this, "Love never fails".
I want to encourage you, if you want to have a secret for a family that will last it is love. Love your kids even when they drive you crazy. Kids, love your parents even when they embarrass you because they're going to, I promise you. Teenager, there is no such thing as a cool parent. If your parent is really cool then they're probably not doing their job. Parent, you should embarrass your children at least once a month. It's very healthy for them and I love to do it. Go to the mall when they're hanging out with their friends and yell, "Honey, I love you". Listen, you might embarrass them but you'll be bonded with them. The bond will never fail.
Marriage secrets, these secrets are tried and true. They're not hidden secrets that you have to look hard to figure out, they're secrets from God's word that will work if we'll apply them.
